Geoff calls these moments of clarity that I have “epiphanies.” He says I have them a lot. He says I also use that word a lot. That, and proposition.
But I had one today. All it took was Geoff saying to me, “Ali, nothing will ever be easy with Jonah. Nothing.” That was all. And that short sentence just pushed me into a downward spiral of worries. For his future. For my mental health. For his brother. For my marriage.
Jonah sees an array of specialists. Urology is the only one we’ve retired. Neurology. Developmental Pediatrics. Behavioral Psychologist. Occupational Therapist. Now we’ve had to add Feeding Therapist to the mix, and I’m afraid that this just may put us over the edge.
My whole family is feeling my woes. I sat with Eli today in music class, which is usually our absolute favorite time together. He was a mess. I was a mess. It just wasn’t working for us today. How can I expect his tiny little mind to understand what I go through? How can I expect him to look at me and say, “It’ll all be ok, mama.” But I do look to him for that. I look to him when I say, “No no, don’t touch,” and he doesn’t touch. I say, “No hitting, say sorry,” and he says sorry and doesn’t hit again. It amazes me because I’ve never experienced a child just complying with simple discipline. But he does, and it settles me each and every time.
I just can’t continue to look at my kids this way anymore. I can’t look at Jonah as my problem and Eli as my solution. I need to look at them as my children who make me whole. I need to know that Jonah will be ok. Eli will be ok. I will be ok. I know in my heart this is true…. I just need to get there.